i didn't quit

i decided to quit smoking on april 19 almost two months ago. i told my wife, my colleagues, my friends. the week before the 19th, i smoked all my cigarettes mindfully, knowing that i wouldn’t have this sensation soon.

on april 19th, i didn’t quit.

this post is now at a crossroads: i will either self-rationalize not quitting smoking by saying i have this or i have that, or self-flagellate complaining about my weak will or never-ending akrasia.

i’ve been smoking since i was fifteen. it was cool, relieving and connecting. it still is. smoking is always an excuse to get out of a crowded space and look at the sky for 5 minutes. it’s always a chance to talk with a stranger just by asking “do you have a lighter?”

so, why do i want to quit?

i’m worried about my health. i’m thirty years old now. not like i’m old, but i’m at the age where it makes sense to think about this stuff. 30 is an opportune age to quit smoking. but it looks like april 19 was not the opportune moment.

so, is this it? do i give up?

no. but i’ve learned enough about myself not to self-flagellate in these moments. i think i even enjoy self-flagellation. i will allow myself the time and space to stop. but there will be some changes.

first of all, i’m not going to smoke at home. at all. i was primarily smoking outside anyway, but i made it a habit to smoke in meetings. this stops today.

second, i’m not going to finish any cigarette that i’m not enjoying. sometimes i feel like i don’t enjoy 99% of the cigarettes i smoke in a day. if i’m not enjoying it, why should i smoke it?

we’ll see.